Caught, Not Taught
During the summer months, the bugs are brutal and fly spray is a must. Without thinking about it, I've created a habit of hooking the fly spray bottle onto my back pants pocket. It's easier and keeps my hands free. It had become such a habit that I wasn't aware I did it until recently, when I watched a five-year-old client grab a bottle of fly spray and struggle to tuck it into their back pocket. During that struggle, which seemed to take several minutes, I began to think about how many subtle things our kids pick up on and mimic, simply because that's how we do it. Behavior is acquired two ways. It is taught and it is caught. Nobody taught that five-year-old to hook a bottle on a back pocket. They caught it.
As I reflected on that precious moment, my mind went immediately to a quote I've shared before. I have it on the mirror in my little workout space: "Am I living the kind of life that I want Jonah and Levi to copy?" What if my boys copied my behaviors, my attitude, my relationship patterns? Would I encourage them to follow in my footsteps? What about the circle of influence around them? It's not just me they're catching things from. Does my circle of influence model the kinds of behaviors we would want them to demonstrate?
Recently, I witnessed this first hand for my boys. They enjoyed a great season of having fun, learning some basic skills, and enjoying time with our friends. During the season, I watched something begin to shift as opponents and parents changed the dynamics of the game. We heard loud comments from the opponents about our players' abilities, and they pointed out the struggles of a group of youngsters learning the sport. I began to notice that the love, excitement, and passion for the sport began to change for my little players. In one heated scenario, I watched a very upset coach change the dynamics for his own little players. A fun, playful team changed their attitude and behavior to mirror their coach. As we walked the line to shake hands, the once happy, playful crew of youngsters punched the hands of our team and laughed. I was taken aback by this, and then I was reminded of the example they had, and it all made sense.
Our kids are very perceptive and notice when our actions and our words do not align. I can coach my kids to be "good sports," but when I am not a good sport, that stands out to them and they begin to follow suit. The kid gets labeled a "bad sport" while my behavior gets excused as "highly competitive."
It isn't just the sidelines. Our kids watch what happens at board meetings. They hear how we talk about the people we ran against, or voted against. They see adults explode at a public meeting, or go after an opponent online, and then never go back to make it right. Then, when a group of kids is rowdy and out of control, those same adults act like they can't figure out where it came from.
Kids are not confused about where it came from.
They're copying it.
I want to be clear that I am just as guilty as anyone. I struggle like everyone else with managing my frustrations and big emotions. I do not always model regulated behavior. But here is the challenge for all of us: what we do after we struggle is where the teaching happens. We ask our boys and our clients to "try that again" so they can experience something in a positive way. We talk a lot about the rupture and repair that comes with every relationship. Rupture is going to happen. The question is whether repair follows it.
We have a valuable opportunity to show our children how to handle both victory and defeat. How do we cope with disappointment or celebrate a win? How do we navigate differences of opinion? There are countless ways we can model healthy behavior for our children, but the challenge lies in keeping our composure.
Here are a few strategies to help us in the days and weeks ahead:
Our kids are watching. At the fields, the courts, the meetings, and online: how are you speaking to your child, the team, the opponent, the person across the table? Would you want your child to mirror your behavior?
The power of do-overs. When I explode and lose my temper, do I go back and apologize to make the repair? Even if my frustration was not directed at my children, can I get into the habit of modeling a do-over and a repair of the relationship? A do-over is not weakness. It is the most powerful lesson a kid can catch.
Regulate your emotions. Both excitement and disappointment can be overwhelming, causing us to react in ways that don't reflect who we really are. It's important to recognize this and to practice proactive regulation. Consider short walks, exercise, or listening to your favorite music. As Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD, reminds us, we must regulate, relate, then reason. This is a perfect opportunity to involve your kids. Turn off electronics and do something regulating together. It could be as simple as walking to the mailbox, saying hi to a neighbor, or having a dance party to your favorite song. By doing this, you're showing your kids how to manage big emotions.
A checklist: Do I do this? And if I do, do I repair?
Take a minute with these. Be honest. Nobody is scoring you. The goal isn't to never do these things. The goal is to notice, and then to go back and make it right.
Do I...
Yell at a referee, an official, or a coach from the sidelines?
Comment on another kid's ability or mistake where others can hear it?
Criticize my own child's performance in the car on the way home?
Roll my eyes, sigh, or mutter when a call or a decision doesn't go my way?
Talk about another parent, family, coach, or team in front of my kids?
Blame the other side ("they cheated," "that ref hates us") instead of accepting a loss?
Raise my voice, cut someone off, or walk out when a meeting doesn't go my way?
Say things about people who disagree with me, at a meeting or online, that I would not want my child to repeat at school?
Excuse my own behavior as "passionate" or "competitive" while calling the same behavior in a kid "a bad attitude"?
Say one thing to my kids about respect and then do another when I think they aren't watching?
If I do any of these, then:
Do I go back and name it? ("I lost my temper. That wasn't okay.")
Do I apologize without a "but"?
Do I ask for a do-over, and then actually do it differently?
Do I repair with the person I hurt, not just with my kids who watched it happen?
Do I let my kids see the repair, so they learn that rupture is not the end of a relationship?
Rupture happens in every relationship.
Repair is what teaches.
To our local leaders
Coaches, league directors, county board members, council members, pastors, business owners, anyone with a title or a platform in our community: our kids are watching you too. They see how you talk about the people you disagree with. They see whether you win with grace and lose without excuses. They see whether you come back and repair when you get it wrong.
You set the culture, and culture is caught. We can choose to accept "that's just how they are," or we can work to change it.
You don't have to be perfect. None of us are. So here is the invitation: run through the list above. Pick one thing. And the next time you get it wrong, let the kids in our community see what a do-over looks like. Remember, our kids are watching.
Are you living the kind of life you'd want to copy? Or yours?
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