The thief of joy

Recently, in the barn, I watched as Mr. Buttons and JJ stood nose to nose for a bit, and it reminded me of a picture I had taken several years ago of the two. I couldn't help but smile, pondering what goes on in their minds as they look at one another. Perhaps I am overthinking it, but I often wonder if Mr. Buttons feels less joy in life because he compares himself to JJ. No matter what Mr. Buttons does, he can never measure up to JJ—literally and figuratively.

Quote by Theodore Roosevelt: "Comparison is the thief of joy" with a draft horse looking down at a miniature horse.

Theodore Roosevelt once said, "Comparison is the thief of joy," and this statement has been echoing in my mind lately. Have you ever found yourself in this position? I must admit, comparison creeps in so easily for me—whether it's comparing myself with other professionals and their accomplishments or measuring our agency against others and what they are achieving that we are not. Even imagined scenarios of how certain experiences should feel compared to reality can lead to discontent.

Social media has really exacerbated our tendency to compare our lives to those around us. I've shared this before: we often compare the worst parts of our lives to the "social media-perfect" parts of others' lives. I don't know about you, but I am really good at comparing my "Pinterest fails" to the "Pinterest perfect." It just doesn't leave me feeling content or satisfied in life. The result? I jump back on the treadmill of chasing accomplishments.

As we take a closer look at the science behind our pursuits, we see that external pressure activates stress chemicals in our brains, motivating us to take action. When we finish an assignment, those stressors or "pressures" go away, releasing feel-good chemicals in our brains to celebrate hard work. However, when we compare, those moments of achievement often get overshadowed by the return of stress chemicals, taking over the "feel-good" chemicals in the brain. The result is an increased feeling of stress that often perpetuates the vicious cycle of the relentless pursuit of the next accomplishment, hoping it will provide that satisfying feeling. Comparison can also cause such doubt that you want to quit.

Several years ago, I was training to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I had a training partner who was a phenomenal runner—6'3", with most of his height coming from his long legs. He had a huge stride and constantly pushed me toward my goal of qualifying. Right before our qualifying race, my running partner looked at me and said, "I will stick with you, no matter what." However, within the first few miles, we went at an unreasonable pace that I knew I could not sustain for the entire marathon. I asked if we could slow down, but running with thousands of other fast runners sparked something within him, and he left me in his dust. I continued at a pace I knew was realistic for me and was on target to hit my goal, but then something interesting happened.

The course for the race went into the Ohio State Horse Shoe stadium and then back out, resulting in runners from miles 17 and 18 crossing paths. As I was pushing through mile 17, I met my running partner, who was already at mile 18—a full mile ahead of me. That moment nearly caused me to stop and not finish the race. I had no way of catching up to my training partner, and I kept trying to push my body for more, but I just could not maintain that kind of pace. Comparison kicked in, and the mental game took over. My stride shortened, my pace slowed, and my focus and determination vanished. Comparison had taken me out of the race and ultimately prevented me from hitting a Boston qualifying time by three minutes! I often wonder if I had kept my focus on my own race rather than comparing myself to his, would I have been able to run a qualifying time during that race?

Comparison sneaks in so easily, and we have to be aware that it is happening.

Here's a quick checklist to monitor our comparison:

- How often do I get discouraged after seeing stories, reels, and pictures of people taking incredible trips?

- When others post about their wins in life, what is your reaction?

- After a big accomplishment for yourself, do you allow yourself the space to feel satisfied?

- When you complete one big assignment, do you begin to seek the next project or task to fill that space?

Strategies for Addressing Comparison

Focus on your journey. As I think of this, I am reminded of this image shared on social media--"why do race horses wear blinders? Because they need to focus on their own race. We should all learn to do the same." (credit unknown). focus on your own race! What are the ways you need to put the "blinders" on?

1. Limit social media. It can be quite challenging to step away from comparison when we are constantly bombarded by the "bests" of others' lives on social media. It might be helpful to unfollow, unfriend, or even block those accounts that really stir this comparison drive for you.

2. Allow yourself to celebrate "wins" without any qualifications or thinking about anything other than the win itself (e.g., "it would have felt better if ____ happened" or "I'll feel better once I get to this step").

3. Practice gratitude by highlighting 3 positive things from the day. Do not allow yourself to justify or explain the positive thing away. Just bring to mind the three positives before you go to sleep.