Unraveling Relationship Patterns: A Journey to Healing

We repeat what we don't repair. -Christine Langley-Obaugh. Image of horse standing with a child's hand on the horse's nose.

Have you noticed recurring relationship patterns in yourself or those around you? It’s almost like a script or playbook that repeats in relational encounters. The characters may change, but the relational process remains the same. Let’s be real for a second—think of your romantic relationships. Is there a similar pattern or theme that emerges? How about your friendships? We all do it; whether positive or negative, we repeat patterns in our relationships.

As humans, we naturally gravitate towards what feels familiar. The pathways we create in our brains around relationships begin to play out, even when these patterns are not positive. To change our relationship dynamics, we must first experience a safe, connected relationship that allows us to identify and alter those relational patterns.

Let me share the story of Kylan, a timid boy who arrived for his first session at the ranch. His slumped posture and poor eye contact demonstrated his hesitance around the therapy team. During the intake, a heartbreaking history of abuse and multiple out-of-home placements emerged.

After a few weeks, Kylan was ready to select his relationship horse. He quickly picked the smallest horse—Winnie. As we discussed what a friendship with Winnie might look like, Kylan gave awkward glances between the therapist and the ground, eventually stating he wanted to "just try the friendship out."

Kylan walked hesitantly into the middle of the horse arena and approached Winnie. He petted her for a moment and then laid flat on the ground beside her. When the clinical team asked what he was doing, he said, “She needs to feel that I am safe. If I do this, I am not a threat to her.”

While Kylan lay on the ground, Winnie began to smell and wander around his head. The clinical team closely monitored Kylan’s safety in this vulnerable position. It soon became clear that this was a typical pattern for Kylan in his relationships. Due to early developmental trauma, he had learned that to keep the peace, he had to compromise his own needs. Throughout his life, from home to foster care and school, he operated in a state of “robotic compliance,” doing whatever it took to avoid disrupting the system.

The clinical team helped Kylan create a secure, calm space for both him and Winnie. Over months of therapy, this environment allowed Kylan to recognize what he needed to feel safe while learning to balance his needs with those of others.

After nearly three years of working with Kylan, he was doing well. One day, he arrived for his session and asked if he could spend time with Winnie. Kylan walked into the arena with newfound confidence. As he walked in, he asked the clinical team if they remembered him lying down during his first encounter with Winnie. “Now I don’t need to do that,” he said. “I know that Winnie and I can work together to keep each other safe.”

Addressing Your Relationship Patterns

Look back at your previous relationships and identify the consistent patterns or themes. What role did you play? Were you often the victim, the caretaker, or the avoidant one? Reflect on these patterns without shame or guilt—this process can be challenging, so doing it with healthy supports can be beneficial.

As you reflect on your relationships, begin to identify the emotions and reactions you experienced. Increasing your awareness of these emotions can help you recognize the early signs of emerging relational patterns.

Find trusted individuals in your life and invite them to help you identify these patterns, too. Without judgment or guilt, work together to uncover the dynamics at play.

Open and honest communication is vital. Once you identify your patterns, “tell on yourself” and let others know what to look for as you navigate your relationships with them. While this may not always be easy or fun, having someone on the lookout for emerging patterns can be incredibly helpful.

Being honest about our relationship patterns is not always easy, but it is truly worth the effort. Kylan took the time to address his relationship dynamics, and now, nearly ten years after that pivotal moment with Winnie, he called to share an update on his life. He proudly shared that he is leading a large team at work, making important decisions with confidence. He also reported that he is happily married, demonstrating the depth of his personal growth.

Reflecting on his journey, Kylan described his time with Winnie as a transformative experience, one that changed the trajectory of his relationships forever. His story serves as a testament to the power of recognizing and altering our patterns, illustrating that change is not only possible but can lead to a fulfilling and connected life.